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28 Year Old Single Mother Disabled With Personality Disorder Seeks Normal Life

by Jennifer
(Indianapolis, Indiana, USA)

I am 28 years old. I have two children: a boy 4 years old and a daughter that is 8. I am currently getting a divorce.

I have a brother that is 24 years old. He is married, has one daughter and is a sergeant in the military.

My parents have been divorced since I was 5 years old. I had a stepfather who left when he and my mom divorced because he sexually molested me and beat my mother, my brother and our dog.

I am very close to my mother but she also has emotional problems so sometimes our relationship is rocky.

I have numerous disorders: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression.

I remember the first day I became Borderline because that's the day my head started talking to me all by itself. It started a couple of days after I was molested when I was eight years old.

Therapists have told me I developed this disorder because I did not know how to cope with the situation at hand so my brain developed other "people" to cope with my problems.

This disorder was not correctly diagnosed until 2010 when I had a psychiatric evaluation performed. Until then, they thought I was bipolar.

This disorder has made me very emotionally out of control my whole life. It has affected all of my relationships in my life.

Ever since I can remember, I suddenly get angry or agitated for really no reason at all and yell at the people I love the most.

I can also say I allowed the disorder to ruin my marriage. My husband just walked out the door one day because mentally he just couldn't take it anymore.

Because I have five different voices in my head all the time talking all day long living my everyday life sometimes is hard.

Some days I don't get out of bed; other days because of my obsessive-compulsive disorder I clean my house maniacally.

I never know what person I'm going to be. This is what makes it hard on the people I care about the most.

I would love it very much if one day I just didn't hear these voices and could be the same normal person like everyone else, every day.

I have tried to commit suicide six different times because the people in my head talked me into it. The last time I tried, the Department of Family and Children got involved.

I lost my children for nine months, which then lead me to my meth addiction that I have now kicked and got my kids back.

Then I was arrested for something that I am ashamed of and regret and take full responsibility for. I was doing fine before I got arrested. I was driving a school bus to support my family.

Now I have a felony on my record and it is taken into consideration for any position that I apply for. I have been unemployed since July of 2010.

A probation requirement is to complete counseling, which I have been in now for two and half months. It is helping me tremendously.

My therapist says in two and half years when the court ordered counseling is over I will not exhibit any Borderline Personality traits. I cried in his office when he told me.

The problem is the cost and if I don't pay the counselor I will violate my probation and be sent to prison. We all know prison is not a rehabilitation center and will not help me. I attend counseling once a week and the cost is $40 a session.

I have been unemployed since July of 2010 and have not been considered for any of the positions I have applied for since I got out of jail on December 2, 2010.

I do not have transportation and can barely even feed myself. I do not have anyone to rely on but my mother. She would give me the world if she had it but does not. She works but barely makes it, so asking her for help is out of the question.

I have tried writing my judge to find me indigent but the problem is the counselors are private organizations and he has told me he could not honor me being indigent for long at all.

I do community service in trade for my probation fees because I could not pay them either.

I have applied for over 250 jobs since December and no one has considered me for a position and I have had no callbacks yet. I apply for every job I see.

I get food stamps every month, which are in the amount of $200. I have also applied for SSDI. I had my mental exam done for them two weeks ago and I am waiting to hear something.

I need grants and anything that I can apply for to help me pay my counseling bill.

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