Depressed And Panic Stricken Woman Seeks Autonomy With Disability Grant
by Christi Vest
(Kansas, City, Kansas, USA)
My name is Christi. I am a single 42-year-old woman. I have two grown daughters, and I had a son that passed away. I have four grandbabies, three boys and one girl.
I have always tried to make everyone else happy. In fact I live for other people to be happy. I also have a huge love for animals. I rescue and foster dogs that have come from severe abuse situations.
I love and think deeply, and sadly, I hurt deeply too. I am that person that sees all that is bad. In my own little way though, I always try to help. I just wouldn't feel right not to!
Having this big old heart has brought many sorrows. Sadly though, I think sorrows are what started my constant need to help/fix/care about everything and everyone!
My mom started to realize I had issues at a very young age, as I worried about death, and mortality at about seven. I was watching regular TV with my family, and a man was shot. After that I lived in panic of death, and practically slept with my parents every night.
I was never allowed to watch any scary movies. I washed my hands 40 or more times a day at seven. I brushed my teeth 20 times a day. I had horrible night terrors.
When I was eight years old, a family friend molested me until I was 12. By then I was mentally a mess, never telling anyone, living with that secret forever, living in a very abusive and alcoholic home. Abuse was ever present.
I lived in a constant state of nervousness. At 19, I had my daughter. It caused the floodgates to open, with full-fledged post partum depression, agoraphobia and co-morbid panic disorder.
My family and I have spent thousands we didn't have trying to find a cure for panic disorder. At 19 years old, I was totally ruining my life.
I did get on medication that helped greatly until both my father and son died three weeks of each other in 1995. Since then my life has been nothing but getting by, raising my two daughters by myself.
After our son died, his father got on drugs bad, and shot and killed a 19-year-old girl. From the age of 23 until now, all I have done is survive, working two jobs to support my daughters by myself.
In return, such heavy work caused permanent back problems, bulging disk and sciatica. My mental issues as far as I know are crippling panic disorder, depression, OCD and PTSD.
My panic disorder is so severe I can barely function in my own home. I'm renting there only so that my family will not see me homeless and in such need.
I go to a small clinic. It is all I can afford. I get no therapy, no nothing, just medicine for my panic disorder. It is not right; nothing is right. This is not living; this is just surviving.
Deep down inside I want to be happy, and know what happiness is! I need help in every way possible. I don't know how I have made it this long. I guess deep down inside no matter what I have been through I have helped people.
I am a mess. I have been molested, beaten and raped twice as a adult. I have conditions that haven't been confirmed from lack of proper doctors, or money to see proper doctors.
I have so many mental and physical problems that any job in this economy is out for me! I still applied for them. I just didn't get them.
I have no job. No one will hire me with my limitations.
Disability has denied me twice.
The only way I've been able to get bills paid is with the awesome help of family and friends, but they are at their limits now, and can no longer help much or at all.
I have such terrible panic attacks that it is so hard, sometimes impossible, to get things done. My mind never stays focused anymore at all. I'm amazed that I'm even writing this! Guess I got hope here!
I have applied at over a thousand jobs, online, and in person. I went door to door offering incredibly cheap house cleaning services, Avon, washing people's clothes, dog sitting and dog grooming.
I've applied for Disability twice.
I have always been hardworking; it is what caused my physical problems. I would love to work, but I'm terrified that if I do, I won't be able to do the functions necessary.
I enrolled in school, but was late, and will have to wait until 2015 August. I have truly tried, and still do. I have to! Gotta live!
I would like to be financially independent. I am very good with money, and could make a little go a long way.
I would love to get my Disability. I should be able to because I am disabled. As much as I have fought it, I am.
I would love real medical care, and maybe find a way to live with these panic attacks, and have medicines that help my chronic pain problems.
What I would love to have is happiness, or some sort of hope for the future.
I am just asking basically to pay my bills, live, go to a real doctor's office.
I am not useless. I have ideas; I'm just constantly stressed and panic stricken, making it impossible to do anything productive.
I want to be apart of society, and maybe find a doctor that could help me be productive, and finally end 20 years of crippling panic attacks!!
I do have amazing cooking abilities, and have a grant proposal for a restaurant, but at the moment I am at my end, and am unable to put it down correctly.
Sorry, my mind is really going fast, and you couldn't believe the pride I have for finishing this! Thank you in advance for all you do!